It suddenly dawned on me...

that some people just don't get it, and others never will. I don't mean that in a condescending way. I didn't "get it" before Matthew. Now I do. I honestly hope you never have to! Most people I have been talking to about Matthew have all asked how I could stand to be away from him. Aren't I just sick I am missing out on all of this time with him. Isn't it disheartening for him to have been nearly on his way home, only to get sidetracked by infection and made to stay another two weeks.

So in answer to these questions my response is that it is God's way of how things should be. Like I said before, to someone else it may seem like a downer, but to another person it's a blessing. These are all blessings to me. People say I am being robbed of my time with Matthew, actually I see the opposite! I am getting to spend MORE time with my baby than most people are allowed to do. My child was born almost 9 weeks early. William was born only one week early. I will have 8 more weeks of time with Matthew than I did with William. Now granted, most of the time he is sleeping, whether I'm around in the NICU or not, but it is still a time of learning and touching and getting to know one each other.

I feel weird about even typing this, but Matthew's homecoming for the NICU will be kind of bittersweet to me. I've been able to sit and hold Matthew uninterrupted for three hour chunks at a time...that is how long it takes until I either had to pump or pee. :) How often do you get to just sit and be? It's just me and God staring in wonder at one of His newest perfect creations. No one else exists, nothing needs to be done. Just a need for rocking, singing, praying and day dreaming. I still have yet to figure out how time moves so fast in Matthew's little cubicle, especially since I have no knowledge of time when I'm there. Just in the here and now moment. Have I ever posted an actual picture of his little cubby hole?

I remember the first time I walked (well, wheeled) through those doors. It was the 2nd day of his little life and my brother and SIL had come up to Northside to visit. Since they weren't able to come for the birth with their two year old in tow...I told them to come up that day since I was given the OK to head across the street to visit Matthew. Of course, the doctor meant for me to ride the shuttle...but the shuttle was taking FOREVER! We had a two year old that was getting close to her nap and a momma that hadn't seen her baby except for the brief 1 minute stop over before the ambulance carried him to Scottish Rite the morning after he was born. So...we walked/wheeled it. (A note of precaution to other mommies - if you have a c-section and are bounced over sidewalks, gutters, dips and potholes - you will regret your hasty decision by night time!) I was so nervous when I went through those big security doors. You have to have a pass code to be let in, and only two people are allowed bedside at a time. So David and Kristen stayed in the waiting room with Leah while me and Ian went in. I reached up and held his hand as he wheeled me over to our little one's isolette. I was so intimidated by the machines, alarms, staff...everything. But the minute I saw him...everything faded away. We weren't allowed to hold him, he was on a ventilator and the top had to be kept closed to maintain his temperature...but he was beautiful.

I stuck my hand in through the port holes on the side and held his little fingers. I teared up happy tears since this was the first time I was touching my baby. :) The nurse saw and let us open up his isolette (just for a minute she said with a smile).

That minute was the fastest and slowest minute of my life. My...how I have taken for granted SO many things. Birth - a natural event that occurs every second of every day somewhere in the world. Babies are coming into this world as I type. I wonder if those parents with full term, healthy babies realize how fortunate they are...or do they just take it for granted like I did with William. I never thought about baths and diapers and brands of formula. I just went to the grocery store and bought a can his doctor recommended with out a second thought. I grumbled out loud as I noticed we were down to a handful of diapers and had to make the trip up to Walmart after William's nap. Bathtime was just a fun game of splashing for him and an opportunity for me to get soaked.

This time around, we will probably only go through a couple diapers a day. Matthew's formula will have to be ordered online through a pharmacy distribution center. It will be far too dangerous for our little one to sit in the bathtub where germs like to gather...even the germs from him own body. Can't get the dialysis catheter wet or submerged in water. Sponge baths will be all he knows. And yet, I'm still grateful that he even gets to enjoy those. Because do you want to know the number one reason why I am so blessed to have this special child? I get to give him life TWICE...in the form of one of my kidneys. He already has my heart.

Per request of Susie

Well...if you insist...I'll share more pictures of my little tiny hiney. (No not MINE - it's more jello-y and jiggly if you ask me) but the cute little one at Scottish Rite.

He's doing so well and should be coming home within the next two weeks!! We can't wait for our whole family to truly be together! Here's my little guys website if you are interested in hearing more about his fight: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/fightingmatthew There's a few pics there too.

Here are pictures from this past weekend when the brother's were able to finally meet face to face. :)

Closed?

I just got off the phone with my hubby as he was leaving from his visit with our son Matthew. We take turns visiting if we can't find a sitter for William, so I go tomorrow and we will both go on Tuesday together when Ian's dad watches William for us.
I asked him how our little tiny hiney munchkin was doing during his visit and he informed me he only visited with him for about 20 minutes! He had been there for an hour and a half...why only 20 minutes? They had closed the NICU temporarily. What on earth would make them close the NICU to parents of sick babies that need the loving touch of mommies and daddies? Well, Ian had an idea...though it wasn't confirmed...it made sense.
When they opened the NICU back up, Ian saw a nurse and the hospital chaplain following a couple holding a teeny tiny bundle in a blanket. Ian knew a baby that small could not make it off of monitors and iv's...so his conclusions is that the baby didn't make it. :(
The minute he said this, we both started crying on the phone together, me on the couch and him in his car. We realized how truly lucky we are and how strong our little fighter is. We knew going into the this that it was all in God's hand, but we are so happy to know that He still has plans for our little boy. Even going into the NICU and seeing all of the babies, some VERY sick, it just doesn't register that some may not make it. You just pass a kind, knowing smile to the fellow parents and rush to your baby's bedside. You never talk about why a baby is there, you just rejoice that they are getting help.
I pray for heaven's newest little angel that has floated up into Jesus's arms tonight. Rest in peace little one. Your fight is over. Visit your parents in their dreams...I'm sure they'd love to see you. I also pray for the parents and family of this little baby. Help them get through this tough time. Give them the support and love that they need. And thank you God for letting Ian be there instead of me...You knew I would have fallen apart. Please continue to rest Your hand on Matthew.

Sweetest Day

Today was the best visit to the NICU. Ian and I both got to hold Matthew, which we have done before a few times...but I was able to nurse Matthew for the first time. It just warmed my heart. I was giggling while my eyes were filling with happy tears. I was touched by his little hand resting on my bare chest and his little face nuzzled tightly into my skin. So sweet! He also surprised EVERYONE, me included, when he actually did nurse. They just expected him to "play around" and get use to the idea with out accomplishing anything...but that kid went to TOWN! Yowza! I am just so proud and happy. The doctor's even told us we will be starting out training at Egleston's Children's Hospital near Emory for outpatient dialysis. This means we are in the homestretch. They said they would send us to training when Matthew was a couple of weeks out from coming home! I need to get his nursery ready!!! AAAHHHH! I'm so excited! Paint samples, here I come! :)