My heart is heavy tonight. There is a couple in a group I belong to that have made the decision to terminate their son that has a bladder obstruction, much like Matthew and many of Matthew's friends did. The doctors recommended termination since they believe the baby to already be in kidney failure. They have agreed.
It is not my place to judge them or their circumstances, but I can't help but feel for that poor boy that will not be given a chance. They insist he will not make it alive or will face many painful interventions. He might, but you don't know...you're not letting him see how much of a fighter he is. They say at 17 weeks (the age he is now, though the abortion hasn't been scheduled yet) that the baby won't feel pain until he is 21 weeks. I disagree. Matthew felt pain. He felt the needles for the bladder taps and the needles to put him to sleep for the surgeries. Those started at 17 weeks. He was cowering from the needles the following week when the tip touched him. He would curl up on himself and recoil to the opposite side of my uterus. He knew it would hurt him. It made me sad, but it was a necessary evil if I wanted to hold him while his heart beat.
I often asked myself if I was being selfish - for making him go through so much before he was even born only to be thrust into a world of surgeries and procedures when he did finally arrive. So I gave my son to God. I was allowed 15 minutes of "on feet" time during my pregnancy between fetal surgeries and I would spend those in the shower. I would sing hymns and cry. I couldn't do it in front of my then two year old son, William. It confused him and made him scared, so I reserved it for MY time. I would tell God to take him if He needed him. But if I was able to keep him, even for a short time - I would make it known to all what a miracle he was and to NEVER give up hope. God can create mountains and the moon - He can heal a baby, regardless of what a doctor...a mere man says. I told God I was going to try everything I could to keep him alive, if He would let me know when it was time to let go.
I never let go. I'm still holding on. I'm holding on for dear life, my life...as my children ARE my life. But I know God and I still have our agreement. When it is time, and if that time comes before my time, God will heal him and take care of him for me until I can get there. I would trust in God and His word to me. Not the doctors. I would not terminate nor would I stop treatments or surgeries that could save my son. That was my final decision. To leave things open to the ultimate Healer. To not make things so final.
Showing posts with label high risk pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label high risk pregnancy. Show all posts
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Time flies
This 4D ultrasound was taken just two days before Matthew was born. It was taken about 9 weeks before I was really supposed to see him. Surprise!
Two years ago, Ian and I got up at 4:30 am and got ready to head out to Northside Hospital in Atlanta. We had a 6am appointment time, even though they don't open until 8am normally. (yeah, me and my MFM were tight like that) ;) He usually only worked at the Atlanta office on Monday's and Friday's, but it was a Tuesday and baby boy needed some fluid (even though I had just had some on the Friday before - he was a little fish). So Dr Gomez came down and opened up just for us.
I've described infusions before - they are not fun, but they are SO rewarding. I just LOVED seeing Matthew go from no fluid to LOTS of fluid. You could almost hear the chuckles and see the smiles of happiness on the ultrasound. How he would reach out his hand or kick with his feet to the needle where the fluid was pouring in from. You could see his little hands waving back and forth to make bubbles. You could watch the shunts he had pulled out at various times post-surgeries float up and around my uterus...sigh.
That morning Dr Gomez was playing his Rolling Stones cd. Matthew was enjoying it and "dancing" away. Whenever we need to do something close to him or the umbilical cord, we had to turn down the music so he would be still. :) And sure enough, about 5 seconds after the music stopped - so would he. It was like he got quiet to listen to see where it had gone. :)
For our early morning wake up call, Dr Gomez ordered us breakfast while I was on the monitor for 30 minutes. I was having contractions. I had them a lot the last week of the infusions. Of course I had three infusions in 7 days - so that might have had something to do with it too. ;) More meds to stop them, yummy breakfast, apologies to Dr Gomez as he called Northside satellite office in Alpharetta. It was already 8:15 and he obviously wasn't there... Infusion took a lot longer to do once Matthew as past the 28 week. He used up his fluid so much faster after having received his steriod shots. They said that was how it was supposed to be as he was practicing his breathing more frequently. He was bigger, there was less room to place the needle without causing damage to the cord, the baby or the placenta. So instead of it taking an hour, it would sometimes take upwards to two. Especially that last when I was having contractions that pushed the needle out - causing them to re-sterilize my tummy, get a new needle and find a new place to begin again.
Lisa, our favorite ultrasound tech, sprung me loose after receiving Viki's blessing that the contractions were slowing down. Down the hallway to a room I hadn't been in yet, I'd been in most! It was the FUN room. The 4D ultrasound room. Lisa spent half an hour giving us picture after picture of our little guy. He was gorgeous. Looked like a doll. I was SO excited to meet him. Little did I know it would only be 48 hours away.
But that's another story...
Thank you to the Maternal Fetal Medicine department at Northside Atlanta. Without your steady hands, your genuine concern and your willingness to put up with my bad jokes (and my laughing and shaking belly while you are trying to operate) Matthew's birth was filled with hope. The hope that pushed me to keep pushing for him.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
A purpose
I feel so restless. I need to do something. Yes, my house is in shambles and the clean dishes in the dish washer are calling out to me...but that's not what I'm talking about. I need to fight, hug, cry and shout from the rooftops. I want to be an advocate for sick babies, both born and unborn...but I'm stumped on how to do it! I want to be an advocate to all of those, from day one to year one hundred, awaiting organ transplants...but just feel overwhelmed. I want to be a voice for those that can't find their's, but I can't find my way to them. My heart is leading me down a road to forget everything I had originally planned for my life, but my head is simply saying you are crazy and can't do it alone.
AARRRGGHHH! (No, I'm not a pirate...YES, I'm so frustrated). I think I will have a nice long chat with our social worker at Egleston on Friday. I wonder if I could start a support group of some kind...but for which group? Pregnant women with poor prognosis? Babies in danger? People awaiting the gift of life? It's a pickle I tell you, but I'm praying for answers and will post when I find them. Please pray and see how you factor into this...how you can help others in need. It only takes one person to start a chain reaction. I hope you can become a link and not a kink in this chain. :)
AARRRGGHHH! (No, I'm not a pirate...YES, I'm so frustrated). I think I will have a nice long chat with our social worker at Egleston on Friday. I wonder if I could start a support group of some kind...but for which group? Pregnant women with poor prognosis? Babies in danger? People awaiting the gift of life? It's a pickle I tell you, but I'm praying for answers and will post when I find them. Please pray and see how you factor into this...how you can help others in need. It only takes one person to start a chain reaction. I hope you can become a link and not a kink in this chain. :)
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Special delivery
*OK, so click on the pics to see the full pics, my computers all types of funky today!!*
Two exciting mail adventures in 24 hours. First, the arrival of my pre-ordered Twilight before it was even available in stores...woohoo! Happy surprise! And then, this morning, the arrival of a thank you note. About two weeks ago, I sent a thank you note to Dr Gomez, my Maternal Fetal high risk specialist. It commemorated our anniversary of the first fetal surgery for Matthew. It was at that meeting that I told him to do everything he could do for my son. God would decide if he lived or not, but I wasn't going to make that an easy decision for Him! I loved Dr Gomez, more than any of the other doctors I saw at the practice...and whenever possible we would make sure we were all teamed up together for the procedures that followed the four surgeries he did.
Here is a picture of me with my earthly miracle worker...yes, I'm short...but he really is THAT tall!
In my note to him, I simply said thank you for doing all you could do for me and Matthew and enclosed an updated picture since he hadn't seen Matthew since around Christmas time when we dropped in. They really are a family to me there and I keep in contact via phone and email to many of the people there. It's not often that your doctor actually gives you his personal cell phone number too!
I had been expecting an email from one of the girls or something that they got my letter and "oh how cute Matthew is"...cause secretly (not so secretly) that's what all mom's want to hear. ;) But I know where near expected a letter...let alone from a busy doctor. When we have talked it's always been a quick catch up of Matthew's progress and then he's off to help another mommy to be out. Some of the girls have told me that there is now an unusually high number of PUV babies from all over the state. 6 cases since we have been "discharged" from care. I knew of one of those. Doctor Gomez, with my permission, has given my contact info to those women that wanted to talk about the diagnosis, but I didn't know there were so many more! And I didn't know my small part in there care.
Dr. Gomez told me in his letter that it should be him thanking me. For me pushing him to not give up the fight. Telling him that I am having a baby, a tiny person with a soul that is already loved before he arrives. He said I inspired him when I kept "raising the bar" in patient/doctor relations. He came to realize that his cases were people/families...not numbers and statistics. He already had my permission to write up about all the surgeries (4 in total) and procedures (23 total taps and infusions), but decided against it in order to advocate about patient rights and treatment. Because of our history and relationship, he has been able to save 5 out of the 6 PUV baby cases that have come to him. He took it on as a personal mission of his own to keep the mothers motivated with things got rough and to push for lung development with infusions and steroids.
None of their cases were as severe as Matthew's...and in all respect to "science" Matthew shouldn't be here, but he is. Because of this man that did everything I asked him to do. All this time, when anyone asks about Matthew I naturally give thanks to God, but never fail to mention Dr Gomez as well. It seems he's be doing the same thing. In his words, "without your fighting spirit, infectious laughter and the complete love you had for Matthew, I would have given up on you both. You didn't let me." This is the man that opened his office hours to us at 6am for an infusion when normal hours began at 8:30am, but he wouldn't be in that day and wanted to make sure things were done right! He has used "what I learned from our experience" to fight for those other babies...because of Matthew...those little ones have made it through the hardest part, being born alive.
It just really touched me that Dr Gomez took the time to sit down and hand write a letter, not email...not type it up...handwritten. It shocks me that he thinks so highly of me when I look back and see that I did nothing spectacular...I just fought for my son's chance...what parent doesn't? But it made me realize that maybe I did do something...I crossed the patient/doctor line. I made him get to know me as a person, not a patient. I made him care about Matthew. I shared his name, my feelings and thoughts with him. I told him Matthew's music preference and when we were done with an infusion, Dr Gomez would put on the Rolling Stones just to watch Matthew dance in utero! He visited my child at another hospital to say a prayer for him while he was in the NICU. But with all of that, I was just being me.
So once again i want to give a shout out to Dr Gomez and thank God for bringing him in our lives. It takes quite a man to throw credit to a hormonally challenged woman and it speaks that much higher if that man is a nationally published and recognized doctor in fetal surgery. I don't think I deserve his kind words and praise, but those other babies did deserve the right to life. And I'm so thankful he was their doctor too.
Matthew, one week old, 32 weeks gestation. First day starting peritoneal dialysis.
Matthew, 8 months old (6 month corrected)
Two exciting mail adventures in 24 hours. First, the arrival of my pre-ordered Twilight before it was even available in stores...woohoo! Happy surprise! And then, this morning, the arrival of a thank you note. About two weeks ago, I sent a thank you note to Dr Gomez, my Maternal Fetal high risk specialist. It commemorated our anniversary of the first fetal surgery for Matthew. It was at that meeting that I told him to do everything he could do for my son. God would decide if he lived or not, but I wasn't going to make that an easy decision for Him! I loved Dr Gomez, more than any of the other doctors I saw at the practice...and whenever possible we would make sure we were all teamed up together for the procedures that followed the four surgeries he did.
Here is a picture of me with my earthly miracle worker...yes, I'm short...but he really is THAT tall!
In my note to him, I simply said thank you for doing all you could do for me and Matthew and enclosed an updated picture since he hadn't seen Matthew since around Christmas time when we dropped in. They really are a family to me there and I keep in contact via phone and email to many of the people there. It's not often that your doctor actually gives you his personal cell phone number too!
I had been expecting an email from one of the girls or something that they got my letter and "oh how cute Matthew is"...cause secretly (not so secretly) that's what all mom's want to hear. ;) But I know where near expected a letter...let alone from a busy doctor. When we have talked it's always been a quick catch up of Matthew's progress and then he's off to help another mommy to be out. Some of the girls have told me that there is now an unusually high number of PUV babies from all over the state. 6 cases since we have been "discharged" from care. I knew of one of those. Doctor Gomez, with my permission, has given my contact info to those women that wanted to talk about the diagnosis, but I didn't know there were so many more! And I didn't know my small part in there care.
Dr. Gomez told me in his letter that it should be him thanking me. For me pushing him to not give up the fight. Telling him that I am having a baby, a tiny person with a soul that is already loved before he arrives. He said I inspired him when I kept "raising the bar" in patient/doctor relations. He came to realize that his cases were people/families...not numbers and statistics. He already had my permission to write up about all the surgeries (4 in total) and procedures (23 total taps and infusions), but decided against it in order to advocate about patient rights and treatment. Because of our history and relationship, he has been able to save 5 out of the 6 PUV baby cases that have come to him. He took it on as a personal mission of his own to keep the mothers motivated with things got rough and to push for lung development with infusions and steroids.
None of their cases were as severe as Matthew's...and in all respect to "science" Matthew shouldn't be here, but he is. Because of this man that did everything I asked him to do. All this time, when anyone asks about Matthew I naturally give thanks to God, but never fail to mention Dr Gomez as well. It seems he's be doing the same thing. In his words, "without your fighting spirit, infectious laughter and the complete love you had for Matthew, I would have given up on you both. You didn't let me." This is the man that opened his office hours to us at 6am for an infusion when normal hours began at 8:30am, but he wouldn't be in that day and wanted to make sure things were done right! He has used "what I learned from our experience" to fight for those other babies...because of Matthew...those little ones have made it through the hardest part, being born alive.
It just really touched me that Dr Gomez took the time to sit down and hand write a letter, not email...not type it up...handwritten. It shocks me that he thinks so highly of me when I look back and see that I did nothing spectacular...I just fought for my son's chance...what parent doesn't? But it made me realize that maybe I did do something...I crossed the patient/doctor line. I made him get to know me as a person, not a patient. I made him care about Matthew. I shared his name, my feelings and thoughts with him. I told him Matthew's music preference and when we were done with an infusion, Dr Gomez would put on the Rolling Stones just to watch Matthew dance in utero! He visited my child at another hospital to say a prayer for him while he was in the NICU. But with all of that, I was just being me.
So once again i want to give a shout out to Dr Gomez and thank God for bringing him in our lives. It takes quite a man to throw credit to a hormonally challenged woman and it speaks that much higher if that man is a nationally published and recognized doctor in fetal surgery. I don't think I deserve his kind words and praise, but those other babies did deserve the right to life. And I'm so thankful he was their doctor too.
Matthew, one week old, 32 weeks gestation. First day starting peritoneal dialysis.
Matthew, 8 months old (6 month corrected)
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Snapshot Sunday
For today snapshot, I was planning on using the incredible 3D image we received of our little son Matthew on Friday. We had to have two infusion in less than 48 hours this week due to complications during the infusion process on Wednesday...which I'm still bruised from. :( But for our efforts (and for getting up at 4:30am to beat Atlanta rush hour) we were given permission to get a 3D sneak peak at our little stinker. He looks NOTHING like his older brother, but is still just as gorgeous. Maybe I'll post it after he is born as a comparrison between in utero and out!
But yesterday we had an exciting day. I was having contractions through out the day like I usually do after repeated procedures like those...no biggee. But then I started to feel crampy and nauseous. I went to the bathroom and there was blood. Not bright red and in copious amounts thank the Lord...I would have been hysterical! But I had passed my muscus plug. (I know...TMI!!!) When I did that with William, my water broke just a minute after and an hour after contractions were coming every 3 minutes. So, needless to say, I kind of over-reacted and FREAKED! We called both our high risk doctors and our normal OB. They both told us to come in for monitoring just to check if I was dialating. So, I get on the phone and call the family brigade out to watch William. Ian's dad, who is just five minutes down the road, and my mother. Ian's dad to stay with William if I'm admitted, my mother to be with me incase they say "it's time". I have already requested to have both hubby and my momma in the OR room.
When get there and get all hooked up. Little Matthew is doing wonderful. I'm having definite contractions, but they aren't in any pattern and after a quick check (ouch!) they see I have not dialated any...but have begun to efface.
They send me home with explicit instructions of do NOTHING, but drink lots, rest lots and urinate lots! If I have more than 5 contractions (with or without a pattern) in an hour come in immediately. So we are home, crossing fingers (and legs) that we haven't done too much too soon with those procedures back to back. I go see my OB on Monday to be checked again (looking forward to that...sarcasm dripping off the keyboard!) and then in for an ultrasound, tap and infusion on Tuesday with my perinatologists. If they think it is too risky, I'll just be admitted and monitored for no fluid and cord compression.
So with all of this going on, I just wanted to bring out some awareness of preterm labor and premature babies. Things have come such a long way and it's not the death sentence it used to be, but these little babies need more love and support than full term babies. Please say a prayer for all the families and babies going through this roller coaster ride. Thanks!
But yesterday we had an exciting day. I was having contractions through out the day like I usually do after repeated procedures like those...no biggee. But then I started to feel crampy and nauseous. I went to the bathroom and there was blood. Not bright red and in copious amounts thank the Lord...I would have been hysterical! But I had passed my muscus plug. (I know...TMI!!!) When I did that with William, my water broke just a minute after and an hour after contractions were coming every 3 minutes. So, needless to say, I kind of over-reacted and FREAKED! We called both our high risk doctors and our normal OB. They both told us to come in for monitoring just to check if I was dialating. So, I get on the phone and call the family brigade out to watch William. Ian's dad, who is just five minutes down the road, and my mother. Ian's dad to stay with William if I'm admitted, my mother to be with me incase they say "it's time". I have already requested to have both hubby and my momma in the OR room.
When get there and get all hooked up. Little Matthew is doing wonderful. I'm having definite contractions, but they aren't in any pattern and after a quick check (ouch!) they see I have not dialated any...but have begun to efface.
They send me home with explicit instructions of do NOTHING, but drink lots, rest lots and urinate lots! If I have more than 5 contractions (with or without a pattern) in an hour come in immediately. So we are home, crossing fingers (and legs) that we haven't done too much too soon with those procedures back to back. I go see my OB on Monday to be checked again (looking forward to that...sarcasm dripping off the keyboard!) and then in for an ultrasound, tap and infusion on Tuesday with my perinatologists. If they think it is too risky, I'll just be admitted and monitored for no fluid and cord compression.
So with all of this going on, I just wanted to bring out some awareness of preterm labor and premature babies. Things have come such a long way and it's not the death sentence it used to be, but these little babies need more love and support than full term babies. Please say a prayer for all the families and babies going through this roller coaster ride. Thanks!
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
I've moved...again!
Man...I thought you moved a lot in the military...which we did. But at least we had longer stints of time in places. We haven't even settled into our home that we bought back in February, only for me to have a new address: Northside Hospital Atlanta, High Risk Unit, room 100. Yeah boy! Needless to say, I've not been as excited about this move...but am more grateful than can be said. I'm so happy they are helping my son even before he is born. I love our doctors, nurses and techs!! They rock.
But needless to say, I'm pretty much on continuous monitoring and getting poked and prodded quite a bit, so I won't be blogging all that much from now on until Matthew arrives. (which could be an hour from now up to three weeks). They will schedule a c-section for the first of June when I am around 31 -32 weeks. They say the risks of prematurity will be less than the risk of keeping him in with absolutely NO fluid. Yep, the infusion failed. :(
So now it's just a wait and see. I'll be back as often as possible.
I want to say a little prayer of Thanksgiving to my friend from Liz and her daughter Claire. I am SO happy for them and proud of mommy!! Great job. I've read the blogs, just haven't had a lot of time to post...but wanted you to know that I did read them. :) Thanks for your prayers for us. Hopefully I can keep little munchkin in a while longer. Vitals time...tata for now!
But needless to say, I'm pretty much on continuous monitoring and getting poked and prodded quite a bit, so I won't be blogging all that much from now on until Matthew arrives. (which could be an hour from now up to three weeks). They will schedule a c-section for the first of June when I am around 31 -32 weeks. They say the risks of prematurity will be less than the risk of keeping him in with absolutely NO fluid. Yep, the infusion failed. :(
So now it's just a wait and see. I'll be back as often as possible.
I want to say a little prayer of Thanksgiving to my friend from Liz and her daughter Claire. I am SO happy for them and proud of mommy!! Great job. I've read the blogs, just haven't had a lot of time to post...but wanted you to know that I did read them. :) Thanks for your prayers for us. Hopefully I can keep little munchkin in a while longer. Vitals time...tata for now!
Monday, May 12, 2008
It MUST be the hormones!
I can't believe it myself! I actually want to be pregnant again! I'M STILL PREGNANT WITH THIS LITTLE GUY! My SIL told everyone yesterday that her and my brother are expecting their second child together mid January. I was so excited for them. They had been trying for a year. But after the fact, the only thing I could think of was...I want to be pregnant. Then Matthew gave a hard kick to my spleen and brought me back to reality. :)
I always said I wanted 2 -3 kids. But with all the ups and downs and sleepless nights of this pregnancy...I vowed if Matthew pulled through...we wouldn't tempt fate again. Our family would be complete. And it will be. Who could ask for anything more than two precious boys, brothers and friends for life? I was happy to play with my brother when I was young, but their comes a time when a girl is all about dress up and boys and a boy is all about dirt and sports. There is a distance that comes with age between brother and sister...you talk, create memories and enjoy family vacations together...but you don't really "play" with each other any more. And then comes the dreaded high school years when I had a crush on one of my brother's friends...THAT didn't go over well, especially when my brother's friend asked my brother if he could ask me out. Needless to say, someone never came back to the house after that. But William and Matthew will be brothers. I know they may have different likes and personalities...I expect that...but it just seems "nicer" to me to have two of the same. Perhaps others that have "been there, done that" can enlighten me. :)
But another reason I proclaimed at the top of my lungs "I'M DONE!" was out of fear. Not much out there truly frightens me except thinking of something happening to my hubby, kids and close family/friends. Public speaking...I thrive on the attention, death...why be afraid to be at peace when it is your time, tornadoes...the beauty fascinates me (and I'm usually the idiot standing in the front yard taking pictures anyway!), roaches....well...ok...roaches DO freak me out. But I was afraid I wouldn't be strong enough to endure another high risk pregnancy. I am so thankful God has blessed me with an inner strength I never knew I was capable of reaching...an inner peace so to say. I've never been put in a situation where I was told to choose if my baby should be given a chance (and a very slim one at that) of taking his first breath or letting him go and letting God heal him in Heaven. I am extremely Pro-Life in my beliefts, but I must admit I did struggle with this decision. Did I want my newborn baby placed in my arms limp and unresponsive because he had already passed? If he did pull through did I want him to have to make weekly trips up to the hospital for dialysis until they could find him a kidney? Did I want to get through this whole ordeal and seem to come out clear of all obstacles only to watch my child die in an incubator due to a common cold virus that can be lethal in preemies? (this one STILL terrifies me!)
But I've prayed and I found peace. God will choose and I don't have to! What a relief! And so...this is what I will do about another child. Even though our pregnancies have been "planned" they are ALWAYS planned by God before we even get the little gleam in our eyes. So, I am happy to say we would love another gift from God in the form of another child, but completely understand if it is not meant to be too.
Off to show William off at Grandma's work. Fluid tap and an infusion tomorrow. Prayers please.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Is it just me loosing my mind?
I have my very own bedtime ritual every night. I brush my teeth, pee, take my prenatal vitamin, pee again (hey...I am pregnant), jump under the covers, take my hubby's hand and we pray together. The minute the lights go out, my body pops into the upright position....DID I take my vitamin. I inevitabley have to get back out of bed and look. This happens every night now. I'm hoping it's just a pregnancy/so much on my mind type thing...but I'm not counting on it.
At my "normal" OB appointment this morning (glucose test...blech!) my doctor asked me for an update on all the stuff going on with my perinatal doctor. He asked how many taps they had done since the last shunt placement. I blanked! I sat there...just staring. He smiled...I think he saw smoke was coming out of my ears. I finally flung my shirt up and counted "holes" and was able to tell him three.
Sometimes I even find myself heading down the hallway only to stop in midstep...what was I doing? Was I going to get a book or relieve my bladder? My bladder ALWAYS needs relieving so that's a pretty good bet...but was there something more?? I end up having to back track to wherever I was in the house (the couch as it has been most recently) and I retrace my thoughts. That usually helps, but sometimes...whatever it was just leaves me!
I call my husband my son's name and my son the dog's name. I have to re-read a paragraph twice (or more) sometimes when I'm relaxing with a book, sheerly because I wasn't really paying attention. I will call only to say "I'll call you back...I have NO idea what I wanted to talk about".
BUT...I can recite the theme song to all of the Disney cartoons my son watches. I can recall William's birth from water break to the toe curling first session of breastfeeding. I can even tell you names and jersey numbers of Georgia Tech's 1990 National Championship team! So I do have a brain...it's just taking a LOT of vacations at the moment! :)
At my "normal" OB appointment this morning (glucose test...blech!) my doctor asked me for an update on all the stuff going on with my perinatal doctor. He asked how many taps they had done since the last shunt placement. I blanked! I sat there...just staring. He smiled...I think he saw smoke was coming out of my ears. I finally flung my shirt up and counted "holes" and was able to tell him three.
Sometimes I even find myself heading down the hallway only to stop in midstep...what was I doing? Was I going to get a book or relieve my bladder? My bladder ALWAYS needs relieving so that's a pretty good bet...but was there something more?? I end up having to back track to wherever I was in the house (the couch as it has been most recently) and I retrace my thoughts. That usually helps, but sometimes...whatever it was just leaves me!
I call my husband my son's name and my son the dog's name. I have to re-read a paragraph twice (or more) sometimes when I'm relaxing with a book, sheerly because I wasn't really paying attention. I will call only to say "I'll call you back...I have NO idea what I wanted to talk about".
BUT...I can recite the theme song to all of the Disney cartoons my son watches. I can recall William's birth from water break to the toe curling first session of breastfeeding. I can even tell you names and jersey numbers of Georgia Tech's 1990 National Championship team! So I do have a brain...it's just taking a LOT of vacations at the moment! :)
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
I can't help it...
Really...it's not my fault. (man, flash back to Harrison Ford in Star Wars - I've watched those movies WAY too much!) Every day, even when I'm not pregnant, I have a salad. It is just my food of choice. A large salad for lunch with meat and all the "fixins" like cheese, bell pepper, onions, carrots, almond silvers...really...I could keep going. Or just a small side salad either paired with a meal or as a snack. I NEED my daily salad. Most days, I even have two, because I think they are just that good.
We ran out of salad on Saturday night. Since we were heading to the zoo the following afternoon, I knew I'd be able to get one there for a light dinner, and I did! So Monday, yesterday, rolls around and we don't have salad in the house. No biggie though. We are off to the doctor for a fluid tap, and I don't like lunch on my stomach since the pressure is intense when they draw out the fluid. I usually eat a big breakfast and just snack or peanut crackers or a poptart in the car going down. But once we got back...I wanted a salad! Of course I'm not allowed to drive...I'm technically not allowed to even sit at more than a 30 degree angle for the first 24 hours...so I have to rely on my husband.
He is a great guy that does SO much for me especially since I'm the wife that should be doing for him! But being the mom, I always put myself last in the family (I think that is something all mothers are guilty of). When we cook dinner and realize that there is just not enough pasta to give everyone a full serving, it's our serving that we cut back on. If our child is showing the tell-tell signs of sickness, but we already have lunch plans...we cancel them to take care of them instead of getting out of the house. Those simple things and such. Well, Ian was going to run up to the store and grab me some salad, but it was time to feed William dinner. I wasn't able to sit at the table and feed him, so Ian had to do it. I told him to take care of our son first and not worry about me.
Well, once you feed him, walk the dog, get William in the bath, brush hair, brush teeth, nuggle, and hide dinosaurs (don't ask...it's just a tradition at our house)...it's pretty late. I want Ian to sit down and rest before he heads out to get me stuff. Then we make our routine calls to everyone to tell them about the appointment and how little Matthew is doing. It is now almost 10pm. I tell him don't worry about it. I don't want him going out and bothering with it now. I probably won't eat one this late anyway...especially since he was going to get milk, cranberry juice and toilet paper too since we are running low on all of those. It would be 10:30 -11pm before he even made it home. (Why are hubbies so much SLOWER at the grocery store by the way?)
Well, Ian decided he wanted to hit up Wendy's for a frosty and guess what...he brought me a side salad. And it was GOOD!
We ran out of salad on Saturday night. Since we were heading to the zoo the following afternoon, I knew I'd be able to get one there for a light dinner, and I did! So Monday, yesterday, rolls around and we don't have salad in the house. No biggie though. We are off to the doctor for a fluid tap, and I don't like lunch on my stomach since the pressure is intense when they draw out the fluid. I usually eat a big breakfast and just snack or peanut crackers or a poptart in the car going down. But once we got back...I wanted a salad! Of course I'm not allowed to drive...I'm technically not allowed to even sit at more than a 30 degree angle for the first 24 hours...so I have to rely on my husband.
He is a great guy that does SO much for me especially since I'm the wife that should be doing for him! But being the mom, I always put myself last in the family (I think that is something all mothers are guilty of). When we cook dinner and realize that there is just not enough pasta to give everyone a full serving, it's our serving that we cut back on. If our child is showing the tell-tell signs of sickness, but we already have lunch plans...we cancel them to take care of them instead of getting out of the house. Those simple things and such. Well, Ian was going to run up to the store and grab me some salad, but it was time to feed William dinner. I wasn't able to sit at the table and feed him, so Ian had to do it. I told him to take care of our son first and not worry about me.
Well, once you feed him, walk the dog, get William in the bath, brush hair, brush teeth, nuggle, and hide dinosaurs (don't ask...it's just a tradition at our house)...it's pretty late. I want Ian to sit down and rest before he heads out to get me stuff. Then we make our routine calls to everyone to tell them about the appointment and how little Matthew is doing. It is now almost 10pm. I tell him don't worry about it. I don't want him going out and bothering with it now. I probably won't eat one this late anyway...especially since he was going to get milk, cranberry juice and toilet paper too since we are running low on all of those. It would be 10:30 -11pm before he even made it home. (Why are hubbies so much SLOWER at the grocery store by the way?)
Well, Ian decided he wanted to hit up Wendy's for a frosty and guess what...he brought me a side salad. And it was GOOD!
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Spreading the word
For the first time in my life, I've learned in a difficult way that I really have no control whatsoever over my life and the lives of those I love. It was a false security that I had (my anal scientist/eductor background I guess) that I actually could control or manipulate things to do what I wanted them to do. Not in a bad way of course...I wasn't practicing voo-doo on a guy I had a crush on and he didn't like me back or anything! Just a sense of control...especially since I had never really been tested and when I had...I always received whatever I asked for, it just took a bit longer to get them.
Now I am learning to Let Go and Let God. I let God decide if my child should be given the chance to live. I am letting God decide when my needs for attentive care stop overriding our family's needs of a working husband. And luckily, God has been so good and has given us everything we could ask for in life...just with a few obstacles.
But I'm also learning that my experiences might benefit someone else that is going through all of this. Here I am, a healthy 28 year old (at least for three more months) in the prime of life, taking vitamins, and going to the doctor and my son is diagnosised with a birth defect. His defect is called Lower Urinary Tract Obstruction (LUTO) and is 77% fatal BEFORE birth even and only about 18% of those that make it to birth can have full functioning lives ahead of them. I know the road will be long with many doctor visits and surgeries ahead, but I'm so thankful to have made it to 26 weeks and 4 days. Never thought I'd go this far 10 weeks ago when I first heard that awful diagnosis and was told to terminate my precious baby then and there. I'm glad I didn't listen fully to them, but opened up my heart to God's diagnosis.
Here's the links that I have found to be extremely helpful to me. Hopefully if you find yourself in this terrible situation one day or know someone that is already there...please tell them there is hope. Let Go and Let God carrying you down the path that He is showing you. It might not be the path you would chose, but for the first time giving up control...never felt so GOOD!
http://www.ourbaby.org/diagnoses/luto.htm
http://www.benotafraid.net/
http://www.fetalhope.org/fetal-issues.html
Now I am learning to Let Go and Let God. I let God decide if my child should be given the chance to live. I am letting God decide when my needs for attentive care stop overriding our family's needs of a working husband. And luckily, God has been so good and has given us everything we could ask for in life...just with a few obstacles.
But I'm also learning that my experiences might benefit someone else that is going through all of this. Here I am, a healthy 28 year old (at least for three more months) in the prime of life, taking vitamins, and going to the doctor and my son is diagnosised with a birth defect. His defect is called Lower Urinary Tract Obstruction (LUTO) and is 77% fatal BEFORE birth even and only about 18% of those that make it to birth can have full functioning lives ahead of them. I know the road will be long with many doctor visits and surgeries ahead, but I'm so thankful to have made it to 26 weeks and 4 days. Never thought I'd go this far 10 weeks ago when I first heard that awful diagnosis and was told to terminate my precious baby then and there. I'm glad I didn't listen fully to them, but opened up my heart to God's diagnosis.
Here's the links that I have found to be extremely helpful to me. Hopefully if you find yourself in this terrible situation one day or know someone that is already there...please tell them there is hope. Let Go and Let God carrying you down the path that He is showing you. It might not be the path you would chose, but for the first time giving up control...never felt so GOOD!
http://www.ourbaby.org/diagnoses/luto.htm
http://www.benotafraid.net/
http://www.fetalhope.org/fetal-issues.html
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