Time

Oh, a mother is never happy with time are we? From February 08 thru February 09 (and most likely beyond), I've battled with time! Time to hurry up and get prelimary testing down on Matthew to see if he had any genetic disorders or other abnormalities...nope just a broken weeny...let's start fetal surgeries. Time to stretch and keep going. Gotta stay pregnant for as long as possible, at least I made it past two set goals...weeks 28 and 30. Unfortunately I didn't make it to my third goal of week 32, but Matthew's preemie issues just aren't even issues thankfully.
Once Matthew got here, it was a constant battle of me wanting him to stay tiny and small and wanting him to grow big quick to get to transplant. This has been a hard part. Matthew is our last baby (if I have any say and God agrees). I wanted to enjoy my last pregnancy, but was in a constant state of alertness and concern. Every movement was monitored by my brain...oh. he's just rolling...fluid is low...gotta contact Dr Gomez to work me in sooner. I wish I had been able to go full term. I see pregnant ladies waddling around Walmart and wish that could have been me. I hear pregnant ladies griping about being big and uncomfortable, wishing the baby would hurry and come. I wished mine had stayed in. I was uncomfortable from week 18 out, from that week...I never went longer than 7 days without at least one needle in my stomach/uterus and many times their were instruments much bigger than needles in there...without pain meds! But I didn't mind, and would gladly do it all again. Matthew has helped me take stock of what is important in life and my physical comfort takes a back seat to his. He has made me count my blessing and realize how truly grateful I am to have him in my life. What a role model he is...and he is only 8 months old.
But now I can't take the pain for him. He's going to have several surgeries before his transplant. If they don't work, then we don't get to transplant. And once again, time is not on my side. I will wait a week (that in retrospect will seem small, but now seems daunting) to hear how we will proceed. Which surgery will be first? How many total? How much off of our original timeline of a summer transplant are we going to be?
I have many wonderful friends that often say they don't know if they could do all of this, go through all of this...but I don't doubt it for a second. We are moms, we would do anything for our children. Yes, it breaks my heart, but my spirit is strong. My faith is strong. And I am human. I break down at night in my husband's arm and have my own "why us" moments. But I get back up, dry my eyes and go into both boy's rooms...and then I know. One look of my sleeping angels is enough for me.
Matthew is teaching me to be a better person, something I prayed to be. Thank you Matthew for giving me this gift of insight. I love you so much my little man. And for that, I will always be there for every surgery, every needle stick, every test, and every milestone...through out time.