Some of the kidney momma friends have been talking about guilt. The guilt we harbor with our kidney kids. Naturally all parents have guilt - too much tv, too much junk food, not enough one on one time. It's in the fine print of the pregnancy books (when the little bundle is handed to you, with him/her comes a life time of guilt for not doing enough or for over-indulging too much) With Matthew all of that was magnified times 1,000!
I went through my pregnancy with an overwhelming feeling that I did this to him. Had I not over-exerted myself (moved twice the first 3 months of pregnancy), then my body could have handled making a little person. I know that's not true, but that's still what was in my head...and sometimes still sneaks back in every once in a blue moon. Guilt can eat at you, make you depressed and cloud your mind with poisonous doom and gloom.
I have a confession that I have NEVER told anyone before. Two people very close to me announced their pregnancies within a month of me giving birth to Matthew. Granted - he was a bit early! But even though I was happy for them, I was sad for me. I hope I didn't show that side, I tried my hardest not to let it out. I mourned the fact that I didn't get to have a "happy" pregnancy. My pregnancy was full of uncertainty. I didn't register for gifts, I didn't pick out clothes to bring my baby home, I didn't even paint his room or get his crib ready until he was 6 weeks old and getting ready to come home. I wish I had been able to see my baby when he was born; he was whisked away.
After Matthew's arrival, I had trouble going into stores, especially stores with baby departments. Target would reduce me to tears when I walked by the bath toys that Matthew could not play with due to his dialysis catheters. I loathed the grocery store baby aisle - being forced to walk by the baby food my son wouldn't (and couldn't) eat to get to the diapers. While at the library, hearing another mom complain that her child was growing like a weed and soon wouldn't have anything to wear. My child stayed in 3-6 month clothing for 5 months. 9-12 month clothing for 8 months. I prayed he would outgrow something.
Then transplant happened and as Matthew started to heal - so did I. I didn't realize how far I had come until just recently. I'm ready to hold babies again (other people's - not wanting my own!), I'm ready to share Matthew's story without tearing up. My faith was tested and my heart purified. My friends have been whittled down to true friends that will stand by me now matter what. My eyes have been opened to a whole new way of life. And I have been given that most precious knowledge that no matter what - life is sacred and wonderful...even if at that moment it down right stinks.
I'm happy. Two years ago, I never thought I would be happy again. But I am - truly happy...for everything. Happy, healed, whole - like Matthew :)
