Friday, February 19, 2010

Too much

So I've been wondering...have I gone too far with my son? I look at him right this minute and just say that's absurd. He's SO happy, he's SO healthy! How can you doubt yourself Karen? Well, pretty easily actually. I am a mom, and mom's always wonder if they have done the best for their children in every regard. And at the moment...I'm wondering if I've done too much.

Yeah, after my impromptu nap last night at 8pm...I was wide awake by 11pm to watch Private Practice (the spin off of Grey's Anantomy). I'm a junkie to medical drama where adults act like teenagers getting mixed up in each other's love lives. It's a flaw I've learned to embrace. :) But on that episode there were parents of a tiny 25 weeker with lots of complications. The parents were holding out on hope that their child would get to live a normal life one day if they just kept fighting. The doctors didn't agree. They were suggesting medical assistance be stopped. In the end, it was. The parents finally got to hold their baby free of wires and just let him feel love.

Now no way can I compare my son's medical journey to one so severe as what this little guy was facing...but the similarities of what the doctors said kind of brought it home. I was told to terminate before he was even born and I resisted and fought for him. I was told by FAMILY and FRIENDS that said too much was being done...why don't I just stop once he was born. I've had to push the medical community, transplant team and home healthcare personnel so they would realize Matthew was a person. Not a number, a statistic or a nameless being. He was MY boy and I wanted the best for him.

I also wanted the best for me. I wanted Matthew here. I kept reasoning that if God wanted to take him...he'd do it anyway. During surgery, during sepsis or even while driving over ice to get him to hemodialysis. He's still here. I think he has a big purpose on this earth...I can't wait to find out what it is. But also, I wonder if my selfishness is what has kept him going. Did I "taint" his outcome due to my pushiness?

If I hadn't gone along with the interventions and fetal surgeries...Matthew wouldn't be here. There would be no "well, a miracle could happen". You can't grow a urethra if you don't have one. His lungs would not have formed, his heart would be misshapen and his body would have curled in over itself from lack of fluid and space to stretch out. Did I "play God" in advocating for my son? Did I push the medical community to keep him alive when according to their books, he should be dead? Who am I to put my son through 20 surgeries just so I can hear his giggles?

I'm his mom. I wouldn't change a thing. God gave us the tools of surgery, dialysis, and medicine to make things better. They work with God, because through Him all things are possible. My son is here. He shouldn't be. He's used up is "nine lives" and is on number 11 right now. God reaffirms that to me through people like Marie. Through donors everywhere, nurses, doctors, surgeons, pharmacists. God gave them their gifts for a reason. He gave me my son for a reason. I am grateful for both.

I am throwing away the receipt, no exchange necessary for Matthew. Thank you God for the perfect gift. :)

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

And then it snowed

If you couldn't tell by my previous post...I was having some hard times dealing with sweet Aubrey's passing. I just didn't see what purpose that could have served. But then realized the purpose wasn't for me to understand. I felt both the guilt of having a child that has defied death (let me count real quick) 9 times and the empathy of being a parent that has had to deal with the shock, confusion, fear and anger that their child was chosen to be so greatly tested.

If you have been reading my blog since the beginning (I think the whole three of you) then you might remember my feelings on snow. No, not the blizzard in the east...just some random snow flurries or a light dusting that makes a southerner look around and say "wow, that's beautiful". Every time I had doubts during my complicated pregnancy, namely before each of the fetal surgeries...God would send me snow...even in April. :)

It would cleanse me of my selfish wants and reaffirm my faith that God was in control of the situation. I just had a supporting role in all of this, no longer the lead actor. (Kind of crushing to my Leo ego too). I would pray that God would send me some sort of sign that all would be ok, that I could walk into that ultrasound room with my head held high KNOWING I would hear a heartbeat instead of silence. The bad thing about having a baby that was without amniotic fluid - risk of cord compression/suffocation...I was a major kick counter momma!!

On the way to memorial service, our car was hit with tiny snow flakes. Going into the church, flurries clung to my black dress coat. Waiting in the receiving line to pay our respects to the family, I noticed white dots swirling in the trees and bushes outside the windows. And again leaving the church, tiny flakes were flying into my red eyes making them sting all over again. Once I reached my parents house to collect my boys, it stopped.

God was telling that He was with Aubrey and Aubrey was just fine. Don't worry Karen, I've got this family well covered with family and friends and love. Just be there for them, share Aubrey's memory with others and love each moment you have with your family and children. Be extra thankful for the handcrafted snowflake I put into your life on January 14th when your son's blood was truly cleansed for the first time ever.

I will.

Friday, February 5, 2010

I don't get it...

Why is God mean? I know He is fair and just and loving...but yesterday, I didn't see that. My friend's daughter, whose 2nd birthday is on the 15th, passed away in the wee hours of the morning yesterday. A nearly two year old...seriously...that for an entire year of her life had to battle cancer. She was "cured" of it through a liver transplant, only to relapse 6 months later. Yet the drunks, rapists, murderers and just plain jerks are feeling fine and living fancy free!! It's a crock of crap God - just so You know.
I don't understand why children die, why children suffer. I went to Sunday school. I sang "Jesus loves the little children". It completely stunk that Aubrey had to suffer for months, but I think what is worse is the suffering her four year old sister will endure now. How do you explain death to a child that can't understand that fact that a cold will not kill her. Daddy is going to work, he will not be gone forever like Aubrey. You will see Aubrey again one day. No, not tomorrow sweetie. Yes, we want you play together too, but please don't talk about leaving mommy and daddy anymore - it makes us sad.
I just can't imagine!
I know God's purpose is better than our own. I know God knows more than us. I know God is watching over his children of all ages. But it doesn't mean it doesn't suck. It does - big time.
I have NO sympathy for those people that drink and smoke themselves into cancer. Well, that's too bad - guess you shouldn't have been a chimney for five decades huh?? I'm a firm believer in what goes around comes around. If you are stupid and put crap in your body, your body will get even with you - whether from a heart attach with too many Whoppers or emphysema from too many cigarettes (which is what killed one of grandfathers). But a child hasn't been around to do anything wrong! I know God doesn't work that way - punishing those that speed or lie or cheat on their spouses (I would LOVE if He gave everyone that commits adultery a scorching case of the clap - again...I'm mean like that). But He's not. I just don't get how He picks and chooses. I hate how He picks and chooses. Why this child and not some other child? Why that child and not that child there? I guess if I had the answers I would be a millionaire and that is not the case!
I will see how God unfolds His plans with their family and with our family. I'm SO happy He placed us together earlier last spring. I hope I am able to provide any means of comfort and support that I can to them at this time. Please keep them in your prayers. Pray for the parents that teeter back and forth between shock and despair. Pray for Aubrey's older sister that she will get through this with as little long term effects as possible. I hope Aubrey visits her sister in her dreams often. Pray for the grandparents and extended family, for they lost a loved one too but are often overlooked during the funeral and weeks following. Pray that Aubrey is finally at peace and feels no pain. I pray she is happy, healthy and running wild.
I will miss that twinkle in her eyes.
The last time I saw her, I was leaving with Matthew from dialysis and she was coming in for transplant labs. Her mom and I stopped our strollers a minute to talk to one another while the babies talked to each other. I looked down and they were holding hands. I think they would have been great playmates. One day. Rest sweet Aubrey, you deserve it little angel.

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