Tuesday, February 9, 2010

And then it snowed

If you couldn't tell by my previous post...I was having some hard times dealing with sweet Aubrey's passing. I just didn't see what purpose that could have served. But then realized the purpose wasn't for me to understand. I felt both the guilt of having a child that has defied death (let me count real quick) 9 times and the empathy of being a parent that has had to deal with the shock, confusion, fear and anger that their child was chosen to be so greatly tested.

If you have been reading my blog since the beginning (I think the whole three of you) then you might remember my feelings on snow. No, not the blizzard in the east...just some random snow flurries or a light dusting that makes a southerner look around and say "wow, that's beautiful". Every time I had doubts during my complicated pregnancy, namely before each of the fetal surgeries...God would send me snow...even in April. :)

It would cleanse me of my selfish wants and reaffirm my faith that God was in control of the situation. I just had a supporting role in all of this, no longer the lead actor. (Kind of crushing to my Leo ego too). I would pray that God would send me some sort of sign that all would be ok, that I could walk into that ultrasound room with my head held high KNOWING I would hear a heartbeat instead of silence. The bad thing about having a baby that was without amniotic fluid - risk of cord compression/suffocation...I was a major kick counter momma!!

On the way to memorial service, our car was hit with tiny snow flakes. Going into the church, flurries clung to my black dress coat. Waiting in the receiving line to pay our respects to the family, I noticed white dots swirling in the trees and bushes outside the windows. And again leaving the church, tiny flakes were flying into my red eyes making them sting all over again. Once I reached my parents house to collect my boys, it stopped.

God was telling that He was with Aubrey and Aubrey was just fine. Don't worry Karen, I've got this family well covered with family and friends and love. Just be there for them, share Aubrey's memory with others and love each moment you have with your family and children. Be extra thankful for the handcrafted snowflake I put into your life on January 14th when your son's blood was truly cleansed for the first time ever.

I will.


Michael Poston said...

It's amazing how God works in ways that no one else can. He knows our needs that we haven't even spoken of. He truly is bigger than all of us. Thanks Karen for your words of encouragement!

Randi Jo :) said...

hey friend,
sorry I missed these 2 posts. i'm thinking of you. lots to work through --- but I'm sure that God will be faithful to be with you... may not get the answers we seek - but we can trust He is there and at work. gotta run, i'm here and thinking of u!

Jamie H said...

Holding back tears because I can't cry in the middle of work!

Brayden's Mom said...

Wow...I will never think of snow the same. Makes me feel good to think of it that way.

j said...

my thoughts are with you. i am sending hugs your way.

Pam, mom, honey, said...

where did you get your green ribbon. i did not know that green was for organ donation but i would love to add it to my blog

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