Thursday, May 26, 2011


"Often the real test of courage is not to die, but to live" - Conte Vittorio Alfieri. I see this courage everyday in Matthew. He has so much to be afraid of and anxious about, but he does his best and puts on a brave face when all is said and done. Even this afternoon, after being strapped down, so upset he threw up and covered in a sheen of sweat due to his screaming and thrashing about, when it was over he smiled, waved and said "thank you for the owie". My brave little boy.
I wish I was as strong as him, as brave.
I've been told that while it takes courage to achieve greatness, that it takes more courage to find fulfillment in being ordinary. Though I have no doubts that Matthew is extraordinary, I'd be thrilled for him to accomplish "ordinary" things. Matthew had a procedure today to find out how close we are to "ordinary"...we're not that close unfortunately. We still have a long way to go it seems. But (and without any intention of being a Miley Cyrus wanna-be) it's more rewarding to take the scenic route to your outcome than the direct approach.
We've take the scenic route SO many times before...actually...EVERY time before now that I think about it! Every time we had a surgery with one goal or outcome in mind, another one was thrown in our way that came out of left field. Everything "easy" was complicated, but because of got easier. Does that make any sense? That even though it was hard, it was better to go through it that way; either to teach us a lesson in patience, compassion or that it really does all work out for the best in the end. I wonder what lesson we will learn out of this little detour?
I'll tell you what I know now: that it is ok to be angry at the way things are, as long as you have the courage to look ahead - knowing that they will not always be that way. We're holding on to hope and courage here; I'm lucky to have such a great teacher such as Matthew to guide me.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Happy in the now

There is a poem floating around facebook right now (partly because I shared it on there too!)that talks about all the "lasts" our child(ren) go through. It brought a tear to my eyes when I read it. But upon thinking about it later...I wondered why?
I look back over the years of my two children, the good and the bad. I will miss certain things - the newborn baby leg draw up, the baby sighs of contentment, and "milk coma". But I look forward to so much more! How can I be sad, when so many great things are there to look forward to? I don't understand that part I guess. Why mourn the past when the future holds so much promise? Just because there are a lot of "lasts" that have been seen, there are even more "firsts" to be experienced!

I will not cry about past joys - why cry now over something that made you so happy just the year before? I will smile as I drop my son off for his first day of kindergarten. I will beam when he walks across the stage to receive his high school diploma. I will glow when dancing the mother/son dance at his wedding. And I will be giddy holding my first grandchild in my arms. If the unthinkable happens, I will be blessed with the knowledge that one day we will meet again, whole and healthy in Heaven.

No tears! No need! I am happy in the now and excited in what is to come. :) I can't wait!

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