Friday, July 18, 2008

It suddenly dawned on me...

that some people just don't get it, and others never will. I don't mean that in a condescending way. I didn't "get it" before Matthew. Now I do. I honestly hope you never have to! Most people I have been talking to about Matthew have all asked how I could stand to be away from him. Aren't I just sick I am missing out on all of this time with him. Isn't it disheartening for him to have been nearly on his way home, only to get sidetracked by infection and made to stay another two weeks.

So in answer to these questions my response is that it is God's way of how things should be. Like I said before, to someone else it may seem like a downer, but to another person it's a blessing. These are all blessings to me. People say I am being robbed of my time with Matthew, actually I see the opposite! I am getting to spend MORE time with my baby than most people are allowed to do. My child was born almost 9 weeks early. William was born only one week early. I will have 8 more weeks of time with Matthew than I did with William. Now granted, most of the time he is sleeping, whether I'm around in the NICU or not, but it is still a time of learning and touching and getting to know one each other.

I feel weird about even typing this, but Matthew's homecoming for the NICU will be kind of bittersweet to me. I've been able to sit and hold Matthew uninterrupted for three hour chunks at a time...that is how long it takes until I either had to pump or pee. :) How often do you get to just sit and be? It's just me and God staring in wonder at one of His newest perfect creations. No one else exists, nothing needs to be done. Just a need for rocking, singing, praying and day dreaming. I still have yet to figure out how time moves so fast in Matthew's little cubicle, especially since I have no knowledge of time when I'm there. Just in the here and now moment. Have I ever posted an actual picture of his little cubby hole?

I remember the first time I walked (well, wheeled) through those doors. It was the 2nd day of his little life and my brother and SIL had come up to Northside to visit. Since they weren't able to come for the birth with their two year old in tow...I told them to come up that day since I was given the OK to head across the street to visit Matthew. Of course, the doctor meant for me to ride the shuttle...but the shuttle was taking FOREVER! We had a two year old that was getting close to her nap and a momma that hadn't seen her baby except for the brief 1 minute stop over before the ambulance carried him to Scottish Rite the morning after he was born. So...we walked/wheeled it. (A note of precaution to other mommies - if you have a c-section and are bounced over sidewalks, gutters, dips and potholes - you will regret your hasty decision by night time!) I was so nervous when I went through those big security doors. You have to have a pass code to be let in, and only two people are allowed bedside at a time. So David and Kristen stayed in the waiting room with Leah while me and Ian went in. I reached up and held his hand as he wheeled me over to our little one's isolette. I was so intimidated by the machines, alarms, staff...everything. But the minute I saw him...everything faded away. We weren't allowed to hold him, he was on a ventilator and the top had to be kept closed to maintain his temperature...but he was beautiful.

I stuck my hand in through the port holes on the side and held his little fingers. I teared up happy tears since this was the first time I was touching my baby. :) The nurse saw and let us open up his isolette (just for a minute she said with a smile).

That minute was the fastest and slowest minute of my life. I have taken for granted SO many things. Birth - a natural event that occurs every second of every day somewhere in the world. Babies are coming into this world as I type. I wonder if those parents with full term, healthy babies realize how fortunate they are...or do they just take it for granted like I did with William. I never thought about baths and diapers and brands of formula. I just went to the grocery store and bought a can his doctor recommended with out a second thought. I grumbled out loud as I noticed we were down to a handful of diapers and had to make the trip up to Walmart after William's nap. Bathtime was just a fun game of splashing for him and an opportunity for me to get soaked.

This time around, we will probably only go through a couple diapers a day. Matthew's formula will have to be ordered online through a pharmacy distribution center. It will be far too dangerous for our little one to sit in the bathtub where germs like to gather...even the germs from him own body. Can't get the dialysis catheter wet or submerged in water. Sponge baths will be all he knows. And yet, I'm still grateful that he even gets to enjoy those. Because do you want to know the number one reason why I am so blessed to have this special child? I get to give him life the form of one of my kidneys. He already has my heart.

1 comment:

Susie said...

Oh, Karen! I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes! Life is so precious and how much we do take it for granted until faced with something like this. But what a testimony you have to all those around you. And what a tribute to God who gave you your sweet little miracle/gift in the first place. He's in control, and He has given you such a peace! Praise Him for that!!


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