Sunday, August 17, 2008

Can't help myself

We just came home from another week long hospital stay with critical levels of high potassium that eventually led to us moving up Matthew's surgery from Oct 1st to this past Thrusday. He did really well, but was in quite a bit of pain the following day. We came home yesterday afternoon...and now he is back up at the hospital.
He has a low grade fever, splotchiness, labored breathing and cries unconsoleably. It just breaks my heart. I had to get my husband to take him because I just couldn't bare hearing him scream in pain anymore. I know...bad mommy. :(
I just can't stand how much he has had to endure and how helpless I feel about it all. I'm in pain everytime he is in pain and my heart just can't take it right now. And that makes me feel even worse. Look at all he has been through, and I'm the one that sitting on the couch crying her eyes out. I just want to take it all away from him. I never thought I would say this, but I want to speed up time...go through his babyhood in a blur just to get to our transplant surgery. I know there will be more surgeries to follow on the heels of transplant, but he'll be older and stronger. It's just too much for him! He will be 10 weeks old on Thursday and he has only been home for 8 days of that. He has endured two surgeries, peritoneal dialysis, IV therapy, a premature birth, a strep infection and over 100 needle sticks in the form of shots, iv's and blood draws.
Is it not too much to ask that he can have ONE day of rest?? Doesn't he deserve a "normal" infancy like everyone else? Please God...I beg You!


SerenityFaith0408 said...

You are so strong. You all have been through SO much. It's ok to break down. It's ok to cry. Lord knows I would have probably lost it long ago if I were you. I continue to think of and pray for each of you as you are going through these times. I really hope that Matthew finds some comfort soon. *HUGS*

Randi Jo :) said...

oh carebear.... you are not NOW or ever have been a bad mommy. you are the BEST mommy. Everything you are feeling is totally acceptable and understandable to fear. Love you and God truly does love you. Run to Him, scream at Him - whatever - just take it to Him. I wish I could take it away too..... I wish I could do something for you - but I am praying.

Susie said...

You are more than allowed to feel this way! God understands completely!

And there's no way you're a bad mommy to feel as you do. We want to protect them and help them feel better and stop their pain and tears. God made us to feel that way.

I, too, am praying that Matthew will get some rest from his constant pain and begin to heal and enjoy a normal infancy.

{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}} and prayers to you!

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