It's FINAL

My heart is heavy tonight. There is a couple in a group I belong to that have made the decision to terminate their son that has a bladder obstruction, much like Matthew and many of Matthew's friends did. The doctors recommended termination since they believe the baby to already be in kidney failure. They have agreed.
It is not my place to judge them or their circumstances, but I can't help but feel for that poor boy that will not be given a chance. They insist he will not make it alive or will face many painful interventions. He might, but you don't know...you're not letting him see how much of a fighter he is. They say at 17 weeks (the age he is now, though the abortion hasn't been scheduled yet) that the baby won't feel pain until he is 21 weeks. I disagree. Matthew felt pain. He felt the needles for the bladder taps and the needles to put him to sleep for the surgeries. Those started at 17 weeks. He was cowering from the needles the following week when the tip touched him. He would curl up on himself and recoil to the opposite side of my uterus. He knew it would hurt him. It made me sad, but it was a necessary evil if I wanted to hold him while his heart beat.
I often asked myself if I was being selfish - for making him go through so much before he was even born only to be thrust into a world of surgeries and procedures when he did finally arrive. So I gave my son to God. I was allowed 15 minutes of "on feet" time during my pregnancy between fetal surgeries and I would spend those in the shower. I would sing hymns and cry. I couldn't do it in front of my then two year old son, William. It confused him and made him scared, so I reserved it for MY time. I would tell God to take him if He needed him. But if I was able to keep him, even for a short time - I would make it known to all what a miracle he was and to NEVER give up hope. God can create mountains and the moon - He can heal a baby, regardless of what a doctor...a mere man says. I told God I was going to try everything I could to keep him alive, if He would let me know when it was time to let go.
I never let go. I'm still holding on. I'm holding on for dear life, my life...as my children ARE my life. But I know God and I still have our agreement. When it is time, and if that time comes before my time, God will heal him and take care of him for me until I can get there. I would trust in God and His word to me. Not the doctors. I would not terminate nor would I stop treatments or surgeries that could save my son. That was my final decision. To leave things open to the ultimate Healer. To not make things so final.