Monday, August 15, 2011

twenty four

24 - the number of times my son has been wheeled into the OR.
4-6 - the number of hours I will wait for this particularly surgery to be finished.
2 - the number of nights we "should" be staying
4 - the number of nights I packed to stay ;)
3:00 - when we turn his feed pump (filled with pedialyte) off tonight
7:15 - when they will begin to give my son his chance of "normal"

Does this get easier? Yes, it actually does.
Does this get hardier? Yes, it actually does.

I know how to calm my son down; I know what to expect from him and from the hospital staff. I know I have a say in the care and treatment of my son. I know I have the prayers and thoughts of my friends and family. They lift me up, inspiring me to go a little more past exhaustion and despair - to get to the other side where I find joy and peace.
I also know Matthew's anxiety will be terrible. I know he will shriek, throw things, try to hurt himself and continually ask "why" and telling me "no". I know he will be in pain, physically and mentally. I know he will not sleep because he will be frightened, and I know tomorrow night will be a long night of no sleep for me either. That's ok - that's what mommy's are for after all.
Knowing what is to be expected, does not mean I know everything that will happen. Complications, set backs, infections or any other number of issues that arise. Of those, I'm terrified. I don't know why I haven't been frightened by them before...I guess everything was so cut and dry, black and white back then. None of his surgeries have been "elective". Though this one is not "elective" either - it is to keep his kidney is better shape long term without the reflux and high pressure damaging it - it just seems more we have more a choice to do this one or not.
And because of that, I'm having a hard time with the risks. Before, if something went wrong (and it often did) it was always better than the alternative of not having the surgery done...which ultimately would have led to death. Now, it leads to a slow progression of kidney failure. But honestly...isn't that what everyone with a kidney transplant is experiencing? You just wait til your labs are bad enough to say you need to start making calls again and they stick you on a list? I don't know. I'm not scared for him per se... I think I'm actually scared for me!
I've never been scared for me! I'm always the nut case running up and down the halls laughing that we are "one more surgery closer to transplant". During transplant, the days leading up to it and the day of, NO butterflies! Just pure gratitude and peace! Now - I'm a bundle of nerves! Go figure! It only took 24 to get me there!

I wanted to include a song that some of my "kidney moms" lean on and rely on (since 90% of our kidney babies are boys) I just wanted to share it with you and ask for your prayers for a smooth surgery, a complication free recovery and a very short hospital stay. Please pray for Matthew's mind and soul - those are the scars that don't show, but run deepest and worry me the most. Thank you.

1 comment:

Randi Jo :) said...

o man --- I just want to hug him so bad every time I read these.

I can't imagine the spiritual & emotional exhaustion (besides the obvious physical) you both experience.

Please know that I cover Matthew in prayer so often. I pray that the moments when he goes in for surgery that God would allow the Spirit to bring such a real, tangible peace to him and that in his sleep as he is in surgery, God would give him wonderful dreams of Jesus & His love for Him and all the angels that are cheering him on.

Did you know the Bible tells us that children have angels assigned just to them -- and guess where that's from - Matthew! 18:10. There are angels with him!! Yes he reacts as a child would react to these circumstances.. I bet it's complete terror.... but there's no way we could expect him to do anything differnet - He is but such a small child! and God knows that and I know that God is so aware of all these bad memories that are being created and I truly believe that God will heal (not take away but will bring new memories that will cover up the scars!) He will redeem every. single. one!!

maybe I'd be so bold to claim that God cares even greater for those that are suffering and going through tough times - like Matthew is. He is so closer to Him. God is so close those suffering. Jesus experienced it all and He knows the pain and all the battles you are going through - physical, spiritual, emotional - He went through every one too.

Oh God loves you both so much. To ease your fears I will pray that you know that although we never know about physical healing and what will happen to our health on this earth... spiritual healing is of greater concern to God and those scars you talk about - I have no doubt God will heal and He will use them for Matthew's good!! Romans 8:28. I truly believe that. Keep on, sister. Keep on loving him and hugging him tight! Keep on fiercly praying for God to give him peace and calm His soul!!! It might take so many years - but I know those emotional scars & memories will be healed! I'm praying!!

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