Saturday, February 21, 2009

What a difference

From tears of sadness to tears from laughter...what a difference a year makes. I know I've been blogging a lot about Matthew recently, but since it's been a full year of when the "adventures"'s just been on my mind. This was the day I was told Matthew didn't stand a chance, might as well just let him go. I couldn't. As I have written before, it wasn't my decision or the doctor' was God's. He created him and if he felt Matthew served a higher purpose with Him than with our family, that was His decision and I would accept it. But I couldn't "play God" myself and just "get rid of the problem". I do remember Ian and I seriously taking this suggestion to heart. Did I want to have my baby go through all the "tortures" they were promising...all the "tortures" he goes through now is what they were promising actually (hemo, doctor visits, medicines)? What kind of life would that be for a baby? A little baby that couldn't tell us where it hurt or how he was feeling? An innocent that didn't have any say in what was happening to his body? A spirit that could easily be crushed by the weight of his disease? We really did pray over it. I'm glad God gave us our answer to open our souls and trust Him.

I look at all that Matthew has gone through. The "war wounds" on his tummy and the "robo-baby" parts that stick out of him (those are our "endearing terms" naturally). I see him smile and love on his big brother. I hear him laugh and squeal out in delight. I see him making new friends and changing lives of others daily it seems. He is our miracle and I am thankful everyday he has graced our lives. If God calls him home this year or 90 years from now, I'll still be grateful for the time we have had. For the obstacles we both have pulled through. For the decision God made to place him in our lives. For the doctors that have helped us in pregnancy and infancy...that Matthew has defied and dared to laugh in their faces. ;) I see a happy, healthy in all of aspects but kidneys, easy going baby...that right now is proving me wrong as he starts to fuss for his bottle. Words just can't express my feelings for him. This baby truly is a part of me, and one day in the future I will truly be a part of him. I will make him as whole as he has made our family. And with that, we will start a new adventure. An adventure of "real" health and the freedom that will come with that. Thank you God again, for helping me during this dark time last year and for giving me my "gift from God", my Matthew.


babyfordawn1983 said...

I had tears in my eyes as I read this post. So true that God will take care of us when we just hand it all over to Him. I am in the process of learning how to do that now. It isn't easy, but I know when I am able to do that a heavy burden will be lifted off of me.

I have never meet you in person but you have truely inspired me. You are a very strong woman and have so much love for your family. I don't know if I could go through everything you have been through with Matthew but you are very blessed!

Lots of love!

Randi Jo :) said...

amen sister, amen.

I love you and I am so proud of you.

I praise God for how He is using this for the good and drawing you closer to Him & vice versa.

Every tear you shed & Matthew sheds -- He matches with 100,000 of His own.

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