Tuesday, February 17, 2009

what they don't understand...

*please don't take this as "bitching" - just have to get it out of my system sometimes. Bear with me for a moment.*

I have a GREAT family, both by blood and marriage. They are constantly helping me out with either William or Matthew and even allow Ian and I some much needed alone time every once in awhile. I guess this should really make me happy, but it doesn't. I HATE, loathe really, asking for help. I won't do it, unless I'm sick and can't be near the boys. I'll just drown in a pit of very bad things, getting completely and totally overwhelmed before I pick up the phone. They do enough for me normally, and I don't want to use up my good graces by asking for additional things. But I also know that I can't do it on my own. Ouch - that actually hurts to have in black and white in front of me!
I've handled three weeks of a newborn by myself while Ian was in Oklahoma for the Coast Guard...because when anyone thinks ocean...they think Oklahoma! I've managed stomach viruses, hurricanes, and migraines while tending to William at the same time Ian was tending to the NC coastline. I've moved our entire household (4 times in 5 years): canceling and setting up utilities, arranging for free help (well, help that works for food and beer), packing up, and handling all the paperwork for mortgage loans, insurance and rental agreements. I pay the bills and manage the finances. I grocery shop and meal plan for the week, while cutting coupons nightly. I walk the dog...ugh! And I've always kept my head above water...until recently.
Now add to that - Matthew. I hate to put that like he is a burden...IT'S NOT HIM! It's just the medical stuff. So, now I make appointments for hemodialysis, clinic, WIC, pediatric well checks and various specialists (like urology at the moment). I'm on the phone with insurance companies, (all three - tricare, medicaid and medicare) pharmacies, nurses/doctors, the Sherwood Clinic for his RSV shots, Bartow county health department and any other "problems" that may arise unexpectedly. I'm running to hemo twice a week (which is really a blessing as it could be three times), but it takes me nearly two hours in the morning to get down there and an hour to come back. Not to mention the 3 hours we are there getting dressing changes, vitals and our actual hemo. I'm exhausted on those days, more so when we have a certain nurse! Sometimes I don't leave his bedside the entire time I'm there. I need to start bringing some snacks in my purse so I don't get a head ache...especially since I never know who my nurse is going to be!
Matthew luckily is a very happy baby, but you can only expect so much out of him when he wants to roll over or move around and he has to be completely still because his hemo cath is so freakin positional! He loves the dialysis unit, with the toys, the people, the visitors...he loves it so much...he doens't want to miss a minute. Meaning, he doesn't sleep! Imagine a baby going from 6:30am when I have to wake him up to get in the car (for our 10am appoinment) until 2pm when we are ready to leave...with out a nap. Can you say ornery!! He loves to move! This is also an issue for xrays. Little man gets sand bags put on his legs, needless to say, he DESPISES that. But with all of this, I'm also emotionally drained, trying my hardest to keep him happy. If he is happy, I can handle anything. It's amazing how much of my feelings are dependent on my children's happiness!
So, when I finally get some time to myself or some time alone with my hubby, I'm still a mess afterwards. Two hours just doesn't erase a year of stress. It helps!!! Builds my reserves back up, but they will deplete. When Ian is being a sweetie and getting up at night to do the feeding tube change outs, I still wake up tired. Yes, he gets up and does all the work, but I hear the alarm, I wonder if he remembers all the steps, I hope William didn't get woken up with the loud beeping. So, I still end up being tired in the morning...not to mention...I'm William's cuddle buddy in the morning (which I wouldn't trade for all the sleep in the world).
So even though I do get help and I am eternally grateful, please don't expect a miracle in my mood, exhaustion, worriedness or whatever. It doesn't mean you didn't help me out, because you did more than you'll know. It just means that I have a lot on my plate and the garbage diposal is backed up.


Randi Jo :) said...

amen sister... let it out.

I love you and I think you are so so strong. You are such a great wife & mama.

The only thing that I have to get on you about is asking for help!!!! DO IT! Ask for help more often girl. Don't you know that people won't know to help you if they don't feel you want help! ask for it! That is why God gave us families & friends. lean on them more... killing yourself - or I should say - allowed yourself to be run to the ground - does no good for your children.

hey what is ian's email?? Never did congratulate him from the wrestling article a while back.

love you!!!!!

Randi Jo :) said...

p.s. awesome news today! :) how exciting!

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