Monday, May 12, 2008

It MUST be the hormones!

I can't believe it myself! I actually want to be pregnant again! I'M STILL PREGNANT WITH THIS LITTLE GUY! My SIL told everyone yesterday that her and my brother are expecting their second child together mid January. I was so excited for them. They had been trying for a year. But after the fact, the only thing I could think of was...I want to be pregnant. Then Matthew gave a hard kick to my spleen and brought me back to reality. :)

I always said I wanted 2 -3 kids. But with all the ups and downs and sleepless nights of this pregnancy...I vowed if Matthew pulled through...we wouldn't tempt fate again. Our family would be complete. And it will be. Who could ask for anything more than two precious boys, brothers and friends for life? I was happy to play with my brother when I was young, but their comes a time when a girl is all about dress up and boys and a boy is all about dirt and sports. There is a distance that comes with age between brother and talk, create memories and enjoy family vacations together...but you don't really "play" with each other any more. And then comes the dreaded high school years when I had a crush on one of my brother's friends...THAT didn't go over well, especially when my brother's friend asked my brother if he could ask me out. Needless to say, someone never came back to the house after that. But William and Matthew will be brothers. I know they may have different likes and personalities...I expect that...but it just seems "nicer" to me to have two of the same. Perhaps others that have "been there, done that" can enlighten me. :)

But another reason I proclaimed at the top of my lungs "I'M DONE!" was out of fear. Not much out there truly frightens me except thinking of something happening to my hubby, kids and close family/friends. Public speaking...I thrive on the attention, death...why be afraid to be at peace when it is your time, tornadoes...the beauty fascinates me (and I'm usually the idiot standing in the front yard taking pictures anyway!), roaches....well...ok...roaches DO freak me out. But I was afraid I wouldn't be strong enough to endure another high risk pregnancy. I am so thankful God has blessed me with an inner strength I never knew I was capable of inner peace so to say. I've never been put in a situation where I was told to choose if my baby should be given a chance (and a very slim one at that) of taking his first breath or letting him go and letting God heal him in Heaven. I am extremely Pro-Life in my beliefts, but I must admit I did struggle with this decision. Did I want my newborn baby placed in my arms limp and unresponsive because he had already passed? If he did pull through did I want him to have to make weekly trips up to the hospital for dialysis until they could find him a kidney? Did I want to get through this whole ordeal and seem to come out clear of all obstacles only to watch my child die in an incubator due to a common cold virus that can be lethal in preemies? (this one STILL terrifies me!)

But I've prayed and I found peace. God will choose and I don't have to! What a relief! And so...this is what I will do about another child. Even though our pregnancies have been "planned" they are ALWAYS planned by God before we even get the little gleam in our eyes. So, I am happy to say we would love another gift from God in the form of another child, but completely understand if it is not meant to be too.

Off to show William off at Grandma's work. Fluid tap and an infusion tomorrow. Prayers please.

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