Snapshot Sunday

Didn't think I'd go a weekend without a snapshot did ya? ;) Well, first I have to give a shout out...I'm HOME!!! I got home yesterday afternoon and spent a glorious and refreshing night sleeping in MY bed for the first time since Monday night! Felt SO good...would have felt better if I wasn't hurting, but we can't have everything in life and I'm just grateful to be with my husband and son again!
But alas, I digress (as I usually do)...on with the snapshot. Now, I'm kind of cheating on this one since all of my photos on the computer in the office downstairs along with the scanner, so I got this from photobucket. And it is just a picture of bubbles. Yep, free floating water bubbles...not even the pretty, multi-colored, childish, soapy bubbles. The plain jane, clear as water, water bubbles like you would see coming out of an aquarium filter. But these bubbles were SO precious to me on Friday when I saw bubbles entering my womb to give Matthew a freedom of movement and a better chance of lung development. (Which he is fully taking advantage of both with sommersaults and hiccups!)
Some people ask me what it feels like to be infused...well to be honest...it feels mighty uncomfortable! When you go from something the size of a softball to a watermelon in 30 minutes, the stretching and pulling hurts. The pressure and fullness I guess feels like you just ate three Thanksgiving meals in ten minutes time only to be told...there are no more Tums or Gas-X left in the house! NO! And let's just say that unbuttoning your top button on your pants just doesn't cut it! The gush of fluid into a dry environment can be likened to an uncomfortable tickle. Like ants creepy up your leg or that feeling you get down your back if someone scratches their nails on a chalkboard (if that even effects you...it honestly doesn't do a thing to me). But after a few seconds it goes away and you just start feel the fullness until it seems you can't expand anymore like a water balloon that is being tested to it's limits. The most uncomfortable part is of course the needle and tube insertion. The needle stick, I used to liken to an ant bite...no biggee what so ever, but now my stomach is so sore and bruised, these small needle sticks are feeling more like an attack from an angry wasp. The tube insertion is more pressure than pain I guess, I can feel the pop everytime it goes in further to get to another layer of muscle, but since the opening is already made with the needle...it just feels like you are kidding yourself that you can really fit your head through that turtleneck and keep pulling. It's uncomfortable but not painful like I said. This infusion took the longest of any of the others, mainly because I was dry, but also because the doc had to go "searching" for a good area. Now the "searching" HURTS! It feels like a burning, ripping sensation...which it kind of is since he is separating the amniotic sac from my uterus. Usually this doesn't last long, but it went on for nearly 8 minutes this time around. My body was drenched in sweat by the time it was over! But the minute he found a possible place, a big smile just sweeps over you and you feel NO pain! With the needle and tubing in for 30 minutes or longer, that starts getting more sore around the "poke" site. It's been two days, and it's still sore to touch today, but I know every day will be better. And I'm sure when I go back on Tuesday for a fluid tap and more needles I will have had to morning to rest in relative comfort.
But like I said, the bubbles are the BEST! And Matthew really liked them as well. He had his own little jacuzzi jets at this feet. The minute that fluid started pouring in (all 750cc's)he started kicking furiously! It was just like someone turned on the radio and he just could resist getting up and dancing. We were all laughing (though I was trying not to since I still had a huge needle going through my stomach). Several times he kicked too recklessly that he would stab his own little feet on the infusion needle! We'll have to make sure little Matthew has one of those crib aquarium toys. I think he'll like the bubbles. :)

I've moved...again!

Man...I thought you moved a lot in the military...which we did. But at least we had longer stints of time in places. We haven't even settled into our home that we bought back in February, only for me to have a new address: Northside Hospital Atlanta, High Risk Unit, room 100. Yeah boy! Needless to say, I've not been as excited about this move...but am more grateful than can be said. I'm so happy they are helping my son even before he is born. I love our doctors, nurses and techs!! They rock.
But needless to say, I'm pretty much on continuous monitoring and getting poked and prodded quite a bit, so I won't be blogging all that much from now on until Matthew arrives. (which could be an hour from now up to three weeks). They will schedule a c-section for the first of June when I am around 31 -32 weeks. They say the risks of prematurity will be less than the risk of keeping him in with absolutely NO fluid. Yep, the infusion failed. :(
So now it's just a wait and see. I'll be back as often as possible.
I want to say a little prayer of Thanksgiving to my friend from Liz and her daughter Claire. I am SO happy for them and proud of mommy!! Great job. I've read the blogs, just haven't had a lot of time to post...but wanted you to know that I did read them. :) Thanks for your prayers for us. Hopefully I can keep little munchkin in a while longer. Vitals time...tata for now!

It MUST be the hormones!

I can't believe it myself! I actually want to be pregnant again! I'M STILL PREGNANT WITH THIS LITTLE GUY! My SIL told everyone yesterday that her and my brother are expecting their second child together mid January. I was so excited for them. They had been trying for a year. But after the fact, the only thing I could think of was...I want to be pregnant. Then Matthew gave a hard kick to my spleen and brought me back to reality. :)

I always said I wanted 2 -3 kids. But with all the ups and downs and sleepless nights of this pregnancy...I vowed if Matthew pulled through...we wouldn't tempt fate again. Our family would be complete. And it will be. Who could ask for anything more than two precious boys, brothers and friends for life? I was happy to play with my brother when I was young, but their comes a time when a girl is all about dress up and boys and a boy is all about dirt and sports. There is a distance that comes with age between brother and sister...you talk, create memories and enjoy family vacations together...but you don't really "play" with each other any more. And then comes the dreaded high school years when I had a crush on one of my brother's friends...THAT didn't go over well, especially when my brother's friend asked my brother if he could ask me out. Needless to say, someone never came back to the house after that. But William and Matthew will be brothers. I know they may have different likes and personalities...I expect that...but it just seems "nicer" to me to have two of the same. Perhaps others that have "been there, done that" can enlighten me. :)

But another reason I proclaimed at the top of my lungs "I'M DONE!" was out of fear. Not much out there truly frightens me except thinking of something happening to my hubby, kids and close family/friends. Public speaking...I thrive on the attention, death...why be afraid to be at peace when it is your time, tornadoes...the beauty fascinates me (and I'm usually the idiot standing in the front yard taking pictures anyway!), roaches....well...ok...roaches DO freak me out. But I was afraid I wouldn't be strong enough to endure another high risk pregnancy. I am so thankful God has blessed me with an inner strength I never knew I was capable of reaching...an inner peace so to say. I've never been put in a situation where I was told to choose if my baby should be given a chance (and a very slim one at that) of taking his first breath or letting him go and letting God heal him in Heaven. I am extremely Pro-Life in my beliefts, but I must admit I did struggle with this decision. Did I want my newborn baby placed in my arms limp and unresponsive because he had already passed? If he did pull through did I want him to have to make weekly trips up to the hospital for dialysis until they could find him a kidney? Did I want to get through this whole ordeal and seem to come out clear of all obstacles only to watch my child die in an incubator due to a common cold virus that can be lethal in preemies? (this one STILL terrifies me!)

But I've prayed and I found peace. God will choose and I don't have to! What a relief! And so...this is what I will do about another child. Even though our pregnancies have been "planned" they are ALWAYS planned by God before we even get the little gleam in our eyes. So, I am happy to say we would love another gift from God in the form of another child, but completely understand if it is not meant to be too.

Off to show William off at Grandma's work. Fluid tap and an infusion tomorrow. Prayers please.

Snap shot Sunday

My precious little William. This was a few weeks before he turned one last February. This is one of the few shots you will see of him on here...I just have a thing about putting my kid's pictures out for public viewing. Too many horror stories out there! But there he is...an absolute angel...until he wakes up! Then he's a holy terror. Ha!
William surprised me with breakfast, a card and my presents in bed this morning. I got two wall sconces, two votive holders, 4 candles (one for each of course) and little framed painting. This will all go in my bathroom where the garden tub is at...to create my "relaxation oasis". I'm gonna need it with two little boys! And William was so precious this morning...running in at top speed shouting "happy mudder's day mommy". Just melts your heart. Sigh. I love being a mommy!
Happy "mudder's" day to all of ya'll too! :)

Is it just me loosing my mind?

I have my very own bedtime ritual every night. I brush my teeth, pee, take my prenatal vitamin, pee again (hey...I am pregnant), jump under the covers, take my hubby's hand and we pray together. The minute the lights go out, my body pops into the upright position....DID I take my vitamin. I inevitabley have to get back out of bed and look. This happens every night now. I'm hoping it's just a pregnancy/so much on my mind type thing...but I'm not counting on it.
At my "normal" OB appointment this morning (glucose test...blech!) my doctor asked me for an update on all the stuff going on with my perinatal doctor. He asked how many taps they had done since the last shunt placement. I blanked! I sat there...just staring. He smiled...I think he saw smoke was coming out of my ears. I finally flung my shirt up and counted "holes" and was able to tell him three.
Sometimes I even find myself heading down the hallway only to stop in midstep...what was I doing? Was I going to get a book or relieve my bladder? My bladder ALWAYS needs relieving so that's a pretty good bet...but was there something more?? I end up having to back track to wherever I was in the house (the couch as it has been most recently) and I retrace my thoughts. That usually helps, but sometimes...whatever it was just leaves me!
I call my husband my son's name and my son the dog's name. I have to re-read a paragraph twice (or more) sometimes when I'm relaxing with a book, sheerly because I wasn't really paying attention. I will call only to say "I'll call you back...I have NO idea what I wanted to talk about".
BUT...I can recite the theme song to all of the Disney cartoons my son watches. I can recall William's birth from water break to the toe curling first session of breastfeeding. I can even tell you names and jersey numbers of Georgia Tech's 1990 National Championship team! So I do have a brain...it's just taking a LOT of vacations at the moment! :)

Thursday 13 #5 Seeing Red

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Thirteen Things about the color red. I was reading the Atlanta Journal and Constitution (AJC) last night while unwinding from my stressful and tiring day of sitting (dripping sarcasm as I type), when I read that the college polling system was already publishing rankings for this year. Being an avid Georgia Tech fan, I always have I hopes of a high placement. Since it is a rebuilding year for us (new coaching staff)...I wasn't expecting it. But I also wasn't expecting who they were predicting to go number one in the nation...UGA *cough...over-rated...cough* . Anyway, in showing my good sportsmanship, I decided to list 13 items that are red that I do like every day of the year. And of course, Go Jackets! Sting those puppies! 1. cherries - they are so pretty to me. I love outfits with cherries on the...so summery. 2. ladybugs - afterall, it is said that if a lady bug lands on you, you will have good luck. 3. red strappy sandals - I prefer sandals to pumps, especially in the summer, and there is just something about them that make me feel sexy. :) 4. red nail polish- but I only like it on my toes...it requires too much maintenance on your fingers. 5. red meat- though I'm more partial to it when it is brown and fully cooked, but nothing hits the spot like a great big burger sometimes. 6. Tulips- my favorite flower. Most people prefer their roses to be red, but actually I like the peaches and yellows best for roses. 7. Fire truck- you never appreciate them until you've called them to come to your house, but everytime I see them on the road...I say a quick prayer for their safety. 8. Christmas paper- I'm much more of a "green girl", but I love how red and green compliment each other so perfectly for gift wrap. 9. Cardinals- not the baseball team (remember I'm into college sports) but the bird. Cardinals are such a striking sight of beauty against a grey/stark winter backdrop. 10. jelly beans - the red are my favorite! 11. oxygenated blood - weird maybe, but I find the color of blood to be a beautiful hue actually. Not the blue or purple blood (depending on if it has been to your lungs or not already) that is in your body, but the pin prick induced drop of blood on your finger. It hurts (literally) to look at it sometimes though. ;) 12. Holly berries- one of the reasons I had a winter wedding. I wanted Holly in my wedding bouquet. 13. red sunsets- ok...it's not a true red, but it's a vision to behold.

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One for the momma's out there!

Oh, we've all had one of THOSE days haven't we? When your child is up all night with a stuffy nose, TOO tired to nap (I still don't get that!), just all sorts of whiney and cranky, hubby comes home late from work and the pet of your choice just threw up on the couch or carpet...whichever stains easier! Luckily those days only come around twice a year around here, but they seem to last an eternity! I know I'm pushing my luck with this, but we haven't had any bad days yet this year...at least not with the one that is already out. I think God knows we have our hands full with the one that is still baking and has decided to cut us some slack. :)

But I've been thinking...all mother's go through days like this. Our mothers did, their mothers did...all the way back to the Bible even. And one mother's mountain is another's molehill and vice versa. Different things set each other off. Some women are anxiously charting temps and counting days in hopes that THIS time they will get that big fat positive line they have been hoping for. Others are dealing with tough choices when a big fat positive comes up unexpectedly. But all of us are dealing with something out there. All of us have our own trials to face.

Imagine the heartbreak Jochebed (not sure if I'm spelling that right) felt when she was told that Pharoah ordered all newborn sons to be thrown into the Nile. But her trust in God saved her little son, Moses, and he was able to carry out his purpose and free God's people. Sarah had to endure the tragedy of infertility (no clomid back then guys). But through her constant faith in the Lord, she was rewarded with Issac. Her trial showed her nothing was impossible if you kept your faith. And just try to imagine the great responsibility Mary felt when she gave birth to the salvation of men. The daily fear and worry she must have endured knowing what He had to do in His life.

Most moms feel they don't do enough for their children and yes, we can always do more...but dont' overlook what you do do for them. God doesn't. He sees it all and rewards you for it. Everytime you cut the crust off that PB&J sandwhich or take them to the dentist (kicking and screaming) it means more than you or your children realize. You don't have to be SuperMom, with the boots and cape. You just need an extra Kleenex and a juice box in hand, and a heart full of gratitude to God.

I can't help it...

Really...it's not my fault. (man, flash back to Harrison Ford in Star Wars - I've watched those movies WAY too much!) Every day, even when I'm not pregnant, I have a salad. It is just my food of choice. A large salad for lunch with meat and all the "fixins" like cheese, bell pepper, onions, carrots, almond silvers...really...I could keep going. Or just a small side salad either paired with a meal or as a snack. I NEED my daily salad. Most days, I even have two, because I think they are just that good.
We ran out of salad on Saturday night. Since we were heading to the zoo the following afternoon, I knew I'd be able to get one there for a light dinner, and I did! So Monday, yesterday, rolls around and we don't have salad in the house. No biggie though. We are off to the doctor for a fluid tap, and I don't like lunch on my stomach since the pressure is intense when they draw out the fluid. I usually eat a big breakfast and just snack or peanut crackers or a poptart in the car going down. But once we got back...I wanted a salad! Of course I'm not allowed to drive...I'm technically not allowed to even sit at more than a 30 degree angle for the first 24 hours...so I have to rely on my husband.
He is a great guy that does SO much for me especially since I'm the wife that should be doing for him! But being the mom, I always put myself last in the family (I think that is something all mothers are guilty of). When we cook dinner and realize that there is just not enough pasta to give everyone a full serving, it's our serving that we cut back on. If our child is showing the tell-tell signs of sickness, but we already have lunch plans...we cancel them to take care of them instead of getting out of the house. Those simple things and such. Well, Ian was going to run up to the store and grab me some salad, but it was time to feed William dinner. I wasn't able to sit at the table and feed him, so Ian had to do it. I told him to take care of our son first and not worry about me.
Well, once you feed him, walk the dog, get William in the bath, brush hair, brush teeth, nuggle, and hide dinosaurs (don't ask...it's just a tradition at our house)...it's pretty late. I want Ian to sit down and rest before he heads out to get me stuff. Then we make our routine calls to everyone to tell them about the appointment and how little Matthew is doing. It is now almost 10pm. I tell him don't worry about it. I don't want him going out and bothering with it now. I probably won't eat one this late anyway...especially since he was going to get milk, cranberry juice and toilet paper too since we are running low on all of those. It would be 10:30 -11pm before he even made it home. (Why are hubbies so much SLOWER at the grocery store by the way?)
Well, Ian decided he wanted to hit up Wendy's for a frosty and guess what...he brought me a side salad. And it was GOOD!

Snapshot Saturday

Elizabeth was kind enough to lend me this idea of posting snapshots of my life (past and present) on Saturdays or Sundays while little man is napping. Since tomorrow we will be getting ready for our big trip to Zoo Atlanta (I'm about to pee in my pants from the excitement!!) I figured I'd post these today.
These three pictures were taken back in late Decemeber 2005. I was nearly 8 months pregnant with my first son. Me, my hubby,my mother, my then 10 year old niece and my then 8 year old nephew all traveled the hour and a half length drive to Pine Mountain GA. A quaint little town located in the southwest corner of Georgia in between the cities of LaGrange and Columbus (I was born in Columbus - we're a family of army brats). But the reason to visit the small southern town, besides the friendly folks of course, is Callaway Gardens. http://www.callawaygardens.com/ Take a look at the link if you have time today or tomorrow. It has SO much to offer! We try to make it down there at least twice a year. Once in the Spring/Summer and again around Christmas. We go when the weather is nice so we can rent bikes, walk trails and lounge at Robin Lake with icecream. But we go back in the winter for Fantasy in Lights! It's breath-taking!
Without further ado...here are the snapshots of my trip to Callaway that year.



Ian and I at the horticulture center. They decorate this up for every season...but my favorites decorations are the all dried flowers Christmas tree and the all Poinsettia Christmas tree (which we are standing by). Both are about 20 ft tall and beautiful. Plus they have holly, roses, amaryllis and paperwhites in full bloom.



One of our most favorite places to visit at Callaway is the butterfly house. They have 100's of species through out the world flying free when you enter the glass doors. Wear red or purple and many will land directly on you! I have one picture of Ian when a butterfly landed on his mouth and started to feed from the moisture on them. Talk about butterfly kisses! I'll have to find that photo!! They also have glass "houses" were butterflies are emerging from cocoons. You can see them slowly break through the barrier and stretch out their wings to warm them. Then they fly out through the top once they are dry and hungry. As you can see...it looks like some new catepillars are on their way. I guess we should go ahead and give them a little privacy... ;)



And after a full day at all the different sights (and southern restaurants!) it is time for Fantasy in Lights!! A drive thru holiday light experience, and when I say drive thru...I really mean it! Lighted scenes are not just surrounding the sides of your car...they are over your car too! Ian and I always have to pop our heads out of the window to really get the full immersion experience. I feel like a kid everytime I'm there. Callaway even coordinates appropriate Christmas music with each scene too. It's wonderful. My favorites scenes...there are many to choose from...include Christmas Garden (the entrance is pictured above), Snowflake Valley, Firefly Cove and of course the Nativity scene that is set up on Robin Lake. You overlook it from the beach, with the water throwing the reflections back at you to make it seem even more magical and grand. Always brings tears to my eyes...

Well, that wraps up this weekends snapshots. Hope you enjoyed your look into a day at Callaway through my eyes.

Spreading the word

For the first time in my life, I've learned in a difficult way that I really have no control whatsoever over my life and the lives of those I love. It was a false security that I had (my anal scientist/eductor background I guess) that I actually could control or manipulate things to do what I wanted them to do. Not in a bad way of course...I wasn't practicing voo-doo on a guy I had a crush on and he didn't like me back or anything! Just a sense of control...especially since I had never really been tested and when I had...I always received whatever I asked for, it just took a bit longer to get them.
Now I am learning to Let Go and Let God. I let God decide if my child should be given the chance to live. I am letting God decide when my needs for attentive care stop overriding our family's needs of a working husband. And luckily, God has been so good and has given us everything we could ask for in life...just with a few obstacles.
But I'm also learning that my experiences might benefit someone else that is going through all of this. Here I am, a healthy 28 year old (at least for three more months) in the prime of life, taking vitamins, and going to the doctor and my son is diagnosised with a birth defect. His defect is called Lower Urinary Tract Obstruction (LUTO) and is 77% fatal BEFORE birth even and only about 18% of those that make it to birth can have full functioning lives ahead of them. I know the road will be long with many doctor visits and surgeries ahead, but I'm so thankful to have made it to 26 weeks and 4 days. Never thought I'd go this far 10 weeks ago when I first heard that awful diagnosis and was told to terminate my precious baby then and there. I'm glad I didn't listen fully to them, but opened up my heart to God's diagnosis.
Here's the links that I have found to be extremely helpful to me. Hopefully if you find yourself in this terrible situation one day or know someone that is already there...please tell them there is hope. Let Go and Let God carrying you down the path that He is showing you. It might not be the path you would chose, but for the first time giving up control...never felt so GOOD!

http://www.ourbaby.org/diagnoses/luto.htm

http://www.benotafraid.net/

http://www.fetalhope.org/fetal-issues.html